Reflection, Realisation – Part 2
Expanding on my previous post, I thought I would go in to detail about how my behaviour has masked the real me.
I realise I come across as an arrogant, know-it-all bastard. That’s kinda the way I see my ideal self. Needed by everyone for his vast amounts of knowledge. Confident and capable of anything and everything. I have built this persona in my head of who I am. The kick-arse developer, the ultimate geek, and the repository of all knowledge on Earth. I can do anything with the slightest of ease. I am a flawless father, and the perfect husband. If anything goes wrong in my life, it is the fault of everyone else involved, because I can’t control them, and I am perfect, so it couldn’t possibly be my fault. I’m a great driver, it’s not my fault people park too close to the line, or I didn’t see the low lying wall behind me. Who builds a garden bed wall in a car park anyway? My wife is lucky she met me, we’ve done so much together that we never would have done with anyone else or alone.
Unfortunately, in reality, this image I portray of myself – or at least attempt to portray – couldn’t be further from the truth. I am totally aware that the image I portray is completely false, and the more obvious it becomes to others that it is a load of crap, the harder I have worked to hide behind this false image of myself. And so, after so many years of living a lie, and being so inauthentic, I would like to reveal the real me.
I am flawed. Deeply flawed. I have no idea what I am doing in life. I constantly doubt my ability in every aspect of my life. I question my ability as a developer, as a father, and as a husband. The only thing I understand to any level of comprehension worth mentioning is computers, and even then, all I really know is how to find out stuff about them. I guess you could say my big claim to fame is that I remember what I learn and I can use Google well.
I have been suicidal for the past 8-12 months. Slipping in to times of complete darkness where I am driving and all I can think about is how easy it would be to just let go of the wheel and life, how much better it would be for those around me to see the real me – dead on the inside and dead on the outside.
I speak about things I know very little about, but I do so with all the conviction of a Master in order to convince the people around me I know what I am talking about. And for the most part, what I say makes sense, to a degree, right up until you shine the dimmest light on it, and then you see straight through it to the fact that I took two things I know – and made a huge logical leap to come to the conclusion I presented as undeniable fact with no real basis for that leap. I pretty much just made something up because I wanted to look smart.
I blame my issues on everyone else involved in the situation, rather than accepting the blame for my own actions. I struggle to operate outside of my established routine, which makes interacting with people a difficult task, and dealing with children, my daughter in particular is even more of a struggle for me because of the unpredictability.
I really don’t like myself. Keeping up this image of myself is exhausting. But it’s better than facing the other me, the me I see when I am alone and quiet. A weak, and unimportant person who has accomplished so little, and yet caused so much trouble for those he loves. The guy who damages his car days after he gets it fixed, and has to fork out even more money to get it repaired. A man who while pretending to know all the answers can’t even figure out how to calm down a two year old who is scared of an imaginary tiger.
I know the way I see myself and the way I portray myself are both false, and that is the worst part, I am caught somewhere between the two, unsure of what is real now, because for so long I have been trying to cover these perceive faults by this mask.
So, friends, I ask that you excuse me while I start figuring out who the hell I am and adjust to what I should be. In the mean time, I am putting my hand up and saying I need help. I don’t know what I am doing, and I can’t do this alone. I don’t want to be the guy I have been. I want to be who I really am.