Reflection, Realisation

Its a bitter pill to swallow, realising as I have in recent days that I have exhibited the same traits I so despise in my father.

It was apparent a little while ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak the words of admission, despite the acceptance of the matter at the time.

I bear the marks of narcissism, and all that goes with it, arrogance, misplaced pride, maturity arrested at a premature point, an unwillingness to relate to those around me equals, and worst of all, an inability to see the changes in my daughter as something I need to adapt to.

Through all this I have seen the damage my flaws have caused for my family. I regret the lessons I learned at the feet of my father. And in accepting this … this brand, this label, I begin to make changes to distance myself from what I have been, and to become someone better.

I realise with it that I am not perfect, I am horribly flawed. I am not the rockstar I have always pretended to be, instead I am merely mediocre, passable at best.

I now seek to turn the same effort I put in to hiding my inadequacy to earning skill instead.

Simplifying everything around me to, first, that which I am bound to, and then that which I can manage, I hope to master the skills needed to “do life”.

It may be too late to fix the damage I have caused so far, but it is the only hope I have of salvaging what is left of my life.

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